Yeah, yeah. Good things are coming, someday. But, for now, meet the Internet’s biggest asshole: Adam M. Smith, of Tucson, Az! (or “The Worst Chick-Fil-A Of My Life”)

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Good afternoon, all you beautiful people. James Marks here.

Yes, I know. I let you down. But then again, that’s something you expected outta me, so I don’t feel that bad. Really, I don’t. Thanks for worrying, though.

Actually, I have an excuse this time. You see, I was going to write a big-ass “Where are they now” kinda post, but I “misplaced” it. Seriously. I found it a couple of days ago. Itsallgood. I mean, it’s not that bad.

Who cares, you are going to read it, anyway. Better than trying to read the mega-CI thread, that’s for sure. So, anyway, I apologize for setting the bar too low, and then under-performing. That’s my style.

I hope you’ll still love me in the morning.

Now that’s out of the way, I promise you – good things are coming, but in the meantime, this post will have to do. I apologize if my writing’s a bit rusty.

I usually don’t write about anyone else but the Crime Family, but today is different. Today, I’d like to congratulate an asshole of the highest caliber, the douche of  all douches, for managing a couple of FiRStS:

• First non-Casey post I’ve written in years.
• First post (of any kind) I’ve written in months.
• First person I know of that f’ks it up on the Internet and receives the full karmic-blow of justice in less than a day.

Mr. ADAM M. SMITH, of Tucson, Az, I salute you. Today, you made Casey Serin (and the Serin Crime Family), douchebag and faggot extraodinaire* seem like a decent human being.

OH, AND BY THE WAY I’M TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, ABSOLUTELY STRAIGHT. NEVERMIND THE STRONG SMELL OF LAVENDER OUTTA MY CAR AND MY OBVIOUS ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES THAT PROBABLY COME FROM BEING A CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY. I LOVE GAYS! I REALLY, TRULY DO!

Confused? I know you may be. So let’s start from the beginning.

In the beginning, God made Adam and Eve. And somehow, along the way, Adam decided he’d rather do Jacob instead of Eve. Eve did some experimenting in college (she kept it above the waist, though) and then Fleshlights and RealDolls were created. The end.

My GAWD, JACOB! You’ve got to take me to your tailor, that leave-tanga is simply S-T-U-N-N-I-N-G!!!!

In between all that stuff, though, a company known as Chick-Fil-A was born. They make some real cool sandwiches and stuff. Their CEO, Dan Cathy, is a respected member of the community. And then all went to shirt – what happened, you may ask? Well, Mr. Cathy was interviewed. And when asked about his opinion on something, he did the worst thing he could do. He did express his (protected by the First Amendment, mind you) own opinion.

“…we’re inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage. And I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude that thinks we have the audacity to redefine what marriage is all about.” Dan Cathy, Chick-Fil-A CEO.

Now, this gets interesting. While I fully think gays should suffer the same hell we married guys go thru (JUST KIDDING HONEY, I’M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE!) , there’s always the thing about every interviewer being an asshole who selectively edits everything we say. For Mr. Cathy also said…

 “we’re not anti-anybody. Our mission is to create raving fans….while my family and I believe in the Biblical definition of marriage, we love and respect anyone who disagrees.” Dan Cathy, Chick-Fil-A CEO.

So, let’s see if I’m getting this straight (heh). There’s this guy with funny cow ads who is a successful entrepreneur, believes in God, employs a shitload of people, says HE believes in marriage as defined in the Bible, but loves and respects everyone who disagrees, and then everyone calls for a boycott of his business. Bizarre, IMHO. But I’ll let everyone reach their own conclusions. Me? I just love Chick-Fil-A and I’m glad to see their business is growing. That’s what America is all about, isn’t it? Live and let live, etc. Whatever.

Funny, I never saw any “hatred” on anything Dan Cathy said. Blah.

August 1st was supposed to be a special day for Chick-Fil-A, gays and straights alike. For August 1st was supposed to be Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day! Check the stats – pretty unbelievable. 3.2 million invited, 650,000+ attending. And the news said it worked out pretty much OK.  Restaurants had lines that went out the parking lots – hundreds of thousands of people waited hours for their food. Millions of chickens lost their lives. Records were set. All of which shows that we americans may not know much about politics, but we do enjoy a rockin’ chicken sandwich. Or, we believe in Mr. Dan Cathy’s right to freedom of speech, and know there’s a difference between a corporation’s policy, and its owner’s opinion, even though we don’t agree with him. I’m not sure.  It’s one of those two, I think.

To me, the fact that the Chick-Fil-A CEO is giving money to Christian causes is equal to a gay-owned company giving money to gay causes. Which is to say, I really don’t give a damn, but both seem pretty much acceptable and in-line with the CEO’s beliefs.

Anyway, a Z-Grade “YouTube personality” (whatever that means) decided August 1st should be a special day, too. Her name is Jackson Pearce, and looks somewhat like that whiny kid from the “leave Britney Spears alone!” videos. Don’t believe me?

An attention whore with nothing to say.

A funny attention whore with nothing to say.

I rest my case.

Anyway, Jackson Pearce developed a very clever plan (for someone with an IQ lower than water’s freezing point) where she decided that the best way to bankrupt Chick-Fil-A would be to go there on August 1st and ask for a glass of water (which, incidentally, those hateful beings at Chick-Fil-A  give you – for free). And that would somehow be a stand against homophobia, or something – reason being, the cup of water would drain Chick-Fil-A’s resources and they’d not have any money to send to anti-gay groups. Seriously. That was her idea.

See James? I’m not the dumbest girl you’ve ever known!

This is where Adam M. Smith earns his prize as the dumbest idiot on the Internets alive. Who is he, by the way?

Adam M. Smith
Tucson, AZ
CFO of Vante (www.vante.com)
University of Arizona Tucson – Adjunct Lecturer
email: amsmith77@yahoo.com
Mobile: (520) 403-5045

That’s him. And this arrogant son of a bitch decided it’d be a cool idea to vent his closet gay anger and frustration, on August 1st, by going to his local Chick-Fil-A, ordering a cup of water (free to gays and straights alike – again, how hateful!) and humiliating the employee who dared to give it to him.

A couple of worthy points to consider.

• Check out the way he clearly insists he’s not gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that – but that there’s “no gay inside of him”. Yeeeeah, right. This guy really cares about homosexuals – but don’t ever confuse him with one.
• He’s a CFO, but he thinks that  a $0.001 cent styrofoam cup and some water will stop the flow of “hate money” going to “anti-gay” groups.
• Mr. CFO, telling an $8 per hour employee “I don’t know how you live with yourself and work here, I don’t understand it.” Don’t you just want to punch him in his (non-existant) balls ’till he faints?
• What the hell is a “Chick-Fil-A anti-gay breakfast sandwich?” Is it lower in cholesterol? If so, I need one of those.
• And, does it really “….taste(s) better when it’s full of hate?” All I saw was a cheery, incredible employee who did her job so well I hope someone makes her a manager of that place. There was no hate whatsoever in her, she handled the situation impeccably. She’s 1000X a better person than Adam Smith.
• Don’t you really like the way she truly wishes him a good day? At that point I’d be trying to rip his eyeballs out of their sockets. Yet this sweet, incredible employee, after receiving a harsh, terrible treatment she didn’t deserve, still had the presence of mind to wish him a nice day. That’s not “full of hate”. If those are Chick-Fil-A’s values, I’d rather have those than Mr. Smith’s.
• Did he really think he “did something purposeful?” I mean, really. Fuck.
• What was he trying to accomplish by uploading the video? No gay man would support what he did. Nobody would. What was the point?

Something else I find somewhat disturbing is that this man had the “balls” to attack a restaurant employee, when he, a CFO, can’t even handle his personal finances. Once again, WTF?

…My current credit score is in low 500’s (was 780 about 6 months ago) due to missing payments on two credit cards, one mortgage and two HELOCs. …

What a dickhead.

But, in a staggering turn of events, justice was served hotter than a plate of Chick-Fil-A chicken

Breasts.

The media picked up the story. Reuters just announced Vante of Tucson, Az, released a statement confirming the firing of Adam Smith, and asking the general population not to hold Smith’s actions against Vante.

That’s it. That’s the short, sweet little ending of this story.

James Marks
If life had been as fair with Casey Serin, this blog wouldn’t exist. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing,
August 2nd, 2012

* Ed. note: Throughout this article, the words “faggot”, “closet homosexual”, “gay”, “raging ___”, “flaming ___” and derivatives are liberally (ahem) used. This does not imply any sort of disrespect from the author towards persons with different sexual orientations. I’m a firm believer in Viagra, the pursuit of happiness and all that crap. Nevertheless, and I think gay and straight people will agree, there are  homosexual people, and there’s that raging faggot, Casey Serin. I hope I made my point. If I didn’t, please do not ask for a fresh, free glass of water. I just ran out of styrofoam cups. Thank you very much. Dicktated, but not read / JM