So, I came home yesterday night feeling exhausted from a long day at work, had some supper and it was far too much to eat. I made sure to add tons of Tobasco sauce and garlic because, well, I’m that kind of guy. Afterwards, I watched CreepShow, in honor of the late, dearly missed Leslie Nielsen
and then, since I really wasn’t feeling sleepy at all, decided to play some Rush Limbaugh on my iPod. Now, that did the trick.
I was in a dark place; couldn’t see anything. Then I heard someone talking to me…
“Hello James. Would you mind me doing a guest post on your blog? I have a couple of things to say, and I ‘ve tried everything, yet he won’t listen…”
I turned around and said…
“Not God, James. If I were, do you think I wouldn’t be able to find someone actually worthy to talk to? I’m just your image of what I am. Don’t confuse me with the real one, OK?”
“Uh… Ok, I suppose”. I said. Or thought. I think. Or thought. “So, what is it that you’d like to talk about? Global warming? The End of Days? Whether George Bush was really your messenger”?
“Oh, no. Not at all. But, just to be clear, George Bush wasn’t my messenger – that was the coke speaking. You know, I made party boys, like George, because without them there would be no party girls, like
And you’ve got to agree, Jimmy – that ain’t a bad thing! Whenever I want to talk about stuff with you guys, I do it the right way. I send you major things, like earthquakes, volcanoes exploding, famine, or American Idol. You never listen, anyway. But this is your dream, and this time, you’ll be my messenger. Can you please type this entry as soon as you wake up?”
After waking up and debating whether lying through my teeth through a post for the sake of what some may call “artistic license”, I decided to go ahead and really make the whole thing up. At least I’m being honest (or pretty cynical, take your pick) about the whole deal. So, here it goes.
My Birthday is near (or “I know what you did last Christmas”)
Good morning, Sacramento Empire Chronicles readers. Today, as James so well said, I’m writing this entry. Since I’m God, I can do pretty much what I want to, but I gave you guys and girls free will – did I mention I also promised James a raise at work, too if he let write a couple of lines here? OK, I didn’t. And before you complain about “heresy” or stuff like that, let me remind you – this is all “for entertainment purposes only”, so it’s all good! Please direct your complaints to The Vatican, Attn. Pope Adolf Ratzinger, he’ll be sure to take care of them just as soon as he gets rid of all the pedophile priests in the world. It may take some time though, so please, be patient.
Without further ado, let me tell you something that has been bugging me for quite a while. I was browsing through Facebook, checking out whether Buddha or Allah had accepted my Friendship requests (who am I kidding, We are all great pals!), when I noticed something on my “Latest News” (you’ve got to understand, with 80 million accounts to check out, things sometime take some time).
First of all – it strikes me as a bit odd that these guys are celebrating my birthday and didn’t even invite me to it. But hey, I’m God – perhaps the Serins haven’t yet figured out my Facebook account. Then again, they apparently have never found me in real life, either, so why should things be different in cyberspace?
Now, I know this is soooo last year, but I’d still like to make a couple of comments.
Number one: my Birthday shouldn’t be used as an excuse to get whatever gifts you want. First of all: it’s MY Birthday, not yours. Why should you be getting games for your Nintendo DS, a PSP, or a date with Galina? Friends, wake up. All I ask from you is to love each other, to respect each other, and to forgive one another. Allright, I like gifts – I’ll accept it. I loved the Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh the Three Wise Men gave me. I have no problems with anyone expressing their love and affection through them. But come on, you guys are broke – I’d rather you guys pay your taxes and debts instead. Want proof?
The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives.
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
Tell us, then, what you think. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?” But Jesus, aware of their malice, said, “Why put me to the test, you hypocrites? Show me the coin for the tax.” And they brought him a denarius. And Jesus said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?” They said, “Caesar’s.” Then he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”
Please take notice. Nowhere did I say you were allowed to use A4Vs to discharge debt, I didn’t mention any “Sovereign” movement, and I certainly do not condone using my name to support any of these nutjob theories. I sent you guys authorities because I hate chaos. And no, I couldn’t have done better – I did things perfectly well. Your governments may not be perfect because you aren’t; but they are absolutely necessary to preserve peace and some sort of order. Sure, sometimes stuff happens
It’s not that I don’t love you all – truly, I do, and I want to party with you here in Heaven when the time is right – but hey, if you break the rules I ain’t going to be sending you miracles to save your family from yourself all the time. Yes, I’m talking about you, Casey. You say you want a Miracle? I sent you to the United States! I practically made sure you’d be happy AND prosperous! Anna, Aleksey, you wanted a family? I gave you 5 children! You say you are broke and can’t pay your mortgage? I gave you not ONE, but TWO good paying jobs!
You said you want diversity? Your oldest son is gay, for crying out loud! (No, James. I did not say that – G.)
Besides, Casey, I want to have a word with you.
Look Casey, I think it’s time for you to stop following every fad you see. Your body works perfectly well – I gave you intestines, a colon, a liver, and I Know what else so that you didn’t need to give yourself cleanses. Sovereigns and Truthers have existed for as long as humanity has, just as doomsday preachers. And certainly, this whole “Falun Dafa” thing confuses me. Aren’t you happy about being a Christian? Because I remember you promising me you’d be a good boy if I saved your 8 homes just a couple of years ago.
Getting back to the Serin Family: hey, I gave you all a bunch of talents. And what is it that you do with them? Take one of my most beautiful creations and turn it into a $40 piece of…. well, whatever?
But, since I’m Your Loving Father, I have to right your wrongs every now and then. It pains me to do so, I’d rather see you all happy, but I can’t and won’t assume responsability for your own mistakes.
And Anna, no. The new look doesn’t suit you, and worst of all, you aren’t going to fool the G-Men with it. Just saying.
Now, let’s really get on with it. It’s actually pretty simple: Dear Serin family, there’s a way out of this mess. Romans 13, 1-8. Fulfill your promises, pay back your debts, and celebrate my Christmas at peace with yourselves. I still have faith in you, even though James here is shaking his head in disbelief and smiling. If he keeps that kind of behavior up, I’ll make sure his love life is even worse than it is right now. See? He just stopped laughing. There’s no need for sovereignity, A4V’s, conspiracy theories, Falun Dafa, Mao Tse Tung, the Miracle of Touch, or anything else you’ve tried. You still have time to set things right before January, 2011.
Listen. Do you want to make me happy this Birthday? There’s something I’d want you to do.
I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.
Oh, and one last note.
Get rid of that Tux, Casey. You look like a reject from Happy Feet.
I wonder if this post is in good taste,
November 30th, 2010.